So, like I promised the coal billionaires that I would help protect their precious coal mines and pollution and stuff during my Great american Grift Tour 2.0.  I disguised this as a pledge to the coal workers that I wouldn’t let anyone TERK YER JIBS!  Of course, the lie detector determined, this was a lie.  Despite my best efforts, people are moving away from “dirty” fuel.  No matter how many regulations I abolish or roadblocks I build to combat solar or wind or wave power, like it just keeps getting more and more popular.  And like, China is like the leader in making all of this stuff, but I like my coal and oil DRILL BABY DRILL and I don’t want the america to be competitive at all in the world.  That is like against my principals of having a successful business.  Can you imagine?  What a successful Trump branded business would be like? I CAN’T.  Anyway, I have to find some way to prop up the old and smelly coal industry so I sat all last month thinking about this while the TV people were talking to me.  Finally, I figured something out!

I called up my DEPARTMENT OF WAR, led by the impossibly handsome and drunk Drinky Pete, the General of Jack Daniels, to help me out.  I told him that he needed to come up with a way to integrate coal into the military and I wasn’t talking about DEI!  Which I successfully abolished.  Singlehandedly by the way.  Anyway, last night I got my normal Drinky Pete drunken booty call at 3AM and guess what?  Drinky Pete pulled though.  Instead of another plan to invade Greenland he had a completely other another plan.  COAL POWERED TANKS!  I spat out all the diet coke I was drinking onto my 12 big macs I was so surprised that he could actually have a coherent concept of a plan. 

Let me introduce the TRUMP TANK 2026, codename: TITANC!  A coal fired tank that will revolutionize the battlefield.  First this is the biglyist tank ever made.  Unsinkable, I think they call it.  It is massive, just like my undying love for Jeffery Epstein.  It is so massive because of the huge boilers that generate the steam to make this thing go.  Like there is a crew of 20 just to run this thing.  Like there are 3 coal stokers just to keep the main furnace going.  It is like 2 stories tall.  MASSIVE.  It is so large that it barely moves at 3 MPH and has the turning radius of an entire city block.  STATE OF THE ART.  I already ordered 1500% of these to be built. The coal needed to run them will keep my coal baron donors in the black for years to come. You have to see these things! The enemy are going to really shit their pants like I do when they see one of these lumber onto the battlefield from 13 miles away giving away all the element of surprise.  This beast will decimate anyone who crosses its path.  Of course, it is way two big to really send to anywhere other than Minniemouselipse or other liberal enclaves.  You better believe that the american protestors will be in a for a big surprise.  FIRE!