You know what beautiful word I just learned is?  It ranks up there with other beautiful words that I love.  Words like tariff, and FAKE NEWS, and grab her by the, and tariffs.  All beautiful words.  Like music to my ears.  Like the sweet, sweet tunes from YMCA.  Have you guessed the word yet?  Spoils.

I just learned that around 80 years ago just about the time of the American revolution, we used the spoils system in the America.  You know what that is?  I sure as hell didn’t, but as soon as I found out I was all over that concept.  Turns out this I have been trying to implement this spoils system without even knowing about it.  That is just how smart I am.  The only dumb thing that I can see is why we stopped using it.  I feel that I need people around me that I can trust.  You know that Hitler guy that I keep hearing about.   He only kept people around him that he could trust.  He never had to worry about a Mad Dog or Mitch McConnoly talking back to him!  I need people like that.  I sure as hell can’t trust any of my kids.  They only listen to me because I threaten them with disownment if they don’t listen to me.  Rule by fear and confusion baby!  That’s my motto.

So I guess back then it was normal for the new president to just fire the entire civil service and start over with fresh new faces and ideas that the new president chooses.  This is the way things ought to be!  I don’t want to have to deal with the losers’ trash employees.  I want to hire My Cousin Vinny or my best friend Putin for these jobs.  People I know I can trust to run the bu-rock-ah-cee.  These people are all upstanding citizens and will do exactly what I tell them.  For instance, I want to hire my mistress, Brenda, for the role of senior government researcher for this new bird flu virus or something.  Come to think of it.  I thought I had solved that virus problem with Operation Warp Speed!  A totally original name.  I chose it because I wanted this vaccine developed fast and nothing is faster than WARP SPEED!  You remember that?  I made a big announcement and everything and said we would develop the most perfect vaccine to fight the virus.  Now I hear we are still dealing with the virus?  Another dropped ball by Crooked Joe!  Brenda would make a wonderful bird flu researcher.  She even owns a parakeet named Chirpy.  Who cares that her only qualification is that she is sleeping with me!  That is a higher qualification then 95% of the rest of government employees who have never even slept with me at all.  Look, the only thing that matters is that when I tell Brenda, hey Brenda, write down on your research paper that bird flu has been cured, and she does it.  Then I am a hero for eliminating bird flu and bringing down those egg prices everyone is crying about.

One of my least favorite presidents, Ted E. Bear is the one who stopped the spoils system.  What a DOPE.  How he managed to get his face on that monument, Mt. Mckinley, is a wonder to me.  Apparently he thought that by having a civil service based on serving the people and the Constitution and not the President would be the way to go.  Putting the American people first.  That is the most stupid thing I have ever heard.  I want to win and be a winner.  The only way to achieve that is getting people that I can strong-arm and threaten into key government roles so all they have to do is do what I tell them while collecting a fat government check.  Talk about winning baby!