So there has been some FAKE NEWS articles about my son Barron lately and all I have to say is that you do not mess with the Barron or you will have all the righteous fury of the President of America raining down on you! Look, I get it. Barron is a little odd. He keeps to himself. He doesn’t look like me in any way shape or form. I have a blond wig and he has brown hair. He has dark eyes and I have bluish-grey ones. He is much shorter than I am. This is starting to get a little outrageous. Melona said he was mine. You know, none of my male children look like me. Isn’t that a little odd, like Barron is? I will be the first to admit I am a little awkward around the guy. I am bombastic and loud and I think that I intimidate him a little. You know, people find me a little intimidating. I am like that. It gives me an advantage in my business dealings. Especially with my kids. I love to threaten them with lawsuits and writing them out of my will when they don’t toe the line. Intimidating.
Anyway, don’t write or say anything about my(?) boy Barron. You saw what happened to the Young Republicans President at NYC. One phone call from me and they are gone. In fact I have it on very good authority, mine actually, that Barron is going to be the next CRA NYU Chapter President. Isn’t it strange that other things have Presidents and stuff? Like I am the President. Why are there others? This is an outrage! I should be the only one with the title of President. All other presidents are FAKE NEWS!
I have great plans for Barron actually. When I am finished with eliminating the Constitution and have myself declared the first King of America, I plan on making Barron a real live Baron. Baron Barron Trump. Has a nice ring to it. I think I will make him Baron of California. It has been at least 75 years since California had a Baron. I also have big plans for the rest of my rugrats too. Ivanka and Tiff will be the new Princesses of the United States. Donald Jr. will become the Duke of New York and Eric Jr. will become the Diamyo of New Jersey. He is my least favorite. I am not even sure what a Diamyo is, but I am sure it is not a Baron or Duke. When the first family becomes the real First Family then little Baron will come into his own. After his brothers.
Things I Thought Up All By Myself 
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