Now I am really fighting Irap!  The best wars time President ever people are saying.  That is totally me.  Running the wars from my gold ambush office.  Can you believe it?  I am pretty sure that we are winning these wars too, you know.  Me and my sometimes buddy sometimes handler Putin.  You know, he has a war to win too.  We’re in this together.  That is why I had to listen to both him and the Holy Land and start this war with Irap.  You know Jeffery Epstein was some kind of mosey agent or something.  Some kind of spy for Israel.  Wish I would have known that before we started swapping masseuses.  Now, when Israel says jump, I have to say nope, have you seen my cankles?  I can’t jump, but I will do whatever else you say because I can’t have THOSE FILES get out.  Putin too.  Ever since my unforgettable night of Russian debauchery I am under his thumb as well.  I wish I would have known about small cameras that could be hidden in hotel smoke detectors.  Who knew those were a thing?  Live and learn.  Don’t worry though, I am getting something out of this too.  I just don’t have to be blackmailed by both those guys!  I can benefit too!  Ever since I started bombing the shit out of Irap have you heard a single FAKE NEWS story about me and the Epstein Files and me in the Epstein files?  No?  That is just sweet, sweet music to my ears.  Totally out of the fake news cycle.  And to keep it that way I am teasing something about bombing the fuck out of Cuba now too.

So this whole Irap thing started because like they really hate each other in that Holy Land area around there.  Gagaza?  Like for some reason, around 70 or 80 years ago, like Jesus and Quran got into a fight or something and it was like a stalemate.  At least that is what my special Trump Bible says.  Remember folks!  Anything Trump branded that I mention here or anywhere can be bought at my MAGAid webstore http://www.thegreatestgrifteverfuckamerica.gov or my popup store on the Trump Patio, formerly known as the Kennedy Rose Garden.  Anyway, this divided the Holy Land like I divide the america.  The West on one side and Terrorists on the other.  Just so happens that they flip flop all the time and like I remember when like Irap #2 was our friend and they were fighting Irap #1 but then something happened and now like Irap #1 and #2 are besties.  I just don’t get geopolitics.  It’s like that damned DEI star.  Always taunting me.  What was I talking about again? 

Oh yeah, so like I started this Irap #1 or #2? War so that I could get Israel off my back and not release THOSE FILES but then something surprising happened.  Like Irap started firing off missiles and Seven of Nines all over the place over there and all those other countries started looking for help in fighting off the borg or something.  Who do they turn to?  NOT ME BUT THAT NASTY VOLDEMORT OVER THERE IN THE UKRAINE!  Can you believe it?  Like now the Ukraine has something of value in defeating Seven of Nines and like countries are buying these things that can defeat Seven of Nines and actually helping Ukraine defeat the Russians.  So like Putin is all up in arms about this and he calls and says unless I don’t want THOSE FILES released that I need to do something.  It never ends, I tell you, never ends.  So I figure that the best way to help Putin win this Ukraine war would be to inject some much needed cash into the Russian War Machine.  Hey, gas and oil prices are through the roof, maybe we just say, hey you know who has a lot of oil and gas that they have to offload before it expires or something?  Russia!  How about we start buying that stuff up so Putin can start affording to build tanks and planes and missiles and their own Seven of Nines.  That sounds like a win-win-win situation to me!  Maybe I’ll even win that Nobel Prize this time.