I need something to take the heat off these illegal moves I am making to completely dismantle and destroy the constitution of the United States.  What is the big deal?  It’s only an old piece of paper.  I’ve seen it, once, in a photograph or something.  Maybe a poster.  That was it!  A poster.  In fact I have that poster signed by Nicolas Cage from that movie!  That was a great movie.  I thought it was totally believable and actually a documentary and when I moved into the extremely old and smelly White House the first time.  Let me tell you, this place is a dump.  It’s so old and creaky at night.  Creepy.  Anyway, I looked all over the oval office desk for that President’s Book of Secrets.  I was so sad that I could not find it.  I spent like days pressing every little cutout on that desk.  Just to be sure I spent the first day in back in office for my second perfect term just checking again in case that Crooked Sleepy Joe found it and put it back. Anyway, back to the concept.  I need a distraction.

Straws!  I will craft a perfect executive order that will protect all of the federal employees, who I am firing, from the evil paper straws.  I remember paper straws back in the day when I was a young Trump and sent to my room without dinner for drawing on the walls while my perfect brother drank scotch with my dad while using those paper straws.  I am pretty sure that paper straws pretty much cause alcoholism. You see how much I am protecting the federal employees that I am in the process of eliminating. 

I keep hearing about how plastic straws are killing the environment and paper is good because it is from a tree or something.  I don’t see how plastic straws could be bad.  All plastic are from the oil and gas industries.  DRILL BABY DRILL!  I have to say that out loud everytime I say oil and gas.  DRILL!  Oil and gas (DRILL BABY DRILL) are from the earth too.  Just like trees.  Like the old saying goes, God made oil and gas and oil DRILL and gas don’t hurt. BABY DRILL!  Actually I think that oil (DRILL) and gas (BABY) are even better for the environment than paper straws.  You have to cut down a tree to make paper.  All these federally funded environmental studies (no more since Musk is shutting their wasteful corrupt departments) that I casually glance at before throwing them away say that TREES remove CARBON DIOXDE from the air or something.  So why are we cutting down trees that could be saving the environment to make stupid paper straws that don’t work.  I tried to suck down some hot diet coke one time and the straw just melted and I spilled hot diet coke down my pants and into my depends.  Also, by the way, hot diet coke is a thing and not weird at all.  Very cozy during the winter when I am in bed by myself, cold, because Melonia is out in California having meeting with my arch enemy Gavin Newsome.  Actually I think the meetings she is having are about straws too, I heard her say something about sucking something as she was walking out of the room.