One of my biggest regrets is that I was not able to conduct any wars.  You know.  Be a great war leader like those in the old days. Like Jefferson “Garfield” Davis, like he was a great wartime leader and President.  I’m sure there are others, but the people in the america.  They don’t want wars anymore.  Don’t have the taste for it.  So now I have to play as a piece maker to feel like I am in these wars, but those guys over there don’t want me fiddling around trying to make piece.  Just today, like Holyland launched attacks against Iran or Iraq or Irap?  I don’t know, some country over there I was trying to make some piece with.  They didn’t even give me a courtesy text.  Just pushed the big red button like I wasn’t even in the group chat!  So now I have to sit by the sidelines and not have any wars to fight.  Drinky Pete keeps telling me about some kind of battle plan he has for invading Greenland.  That is what he calls it, a battle plan.  He calls me up at like 2AM almost every night, drunk, telling me all about this plan on speakerphone at the bar!  For Elon’s sake, Drinky, have a little decorum and tell me about your Operation Invade Greenland and Slaughter Everyone Who Lives There over signal or something.  Text maybe?  Invading Greenland is not like a war at all.  I don’t even think they have, like, an army or anything.  That would make like great press in the fake news, Trump Trumps Empty Country.  I am not even sure they are a country.

So I don’t get to play with my toy soldiers.  SAD.  You know, I could’ve been like the greatest solider ever.  So great.  I wanted to join the military, do my part you know.  But like I was going to school at the time.  Then I still going to school so I just couldn’t join up and then like I graduated and all of a sudden I got a bad case of the heel spurs.  Probably the most perfect case ever.  My doctor, who was a very good friend of my dad, like took one look at my heels and could see right away there were huge bone spurs because my feet are like so big and manly.  The biggest and most perfect feet is what that doctor said, except for those draft dodging heel spurs. 

I always felt that I was somehow robbed of greatness on the battlefield.  Like I should have some old uniform with a lot of those like metals all over it that I could wear and show off my metals that I would have won.  You know, I would have won so many.  Like they would have had to build me some kind of special uniform just to hold them because they would be so heavy.  Maybe that is why I building my own war, right here in the america, to make up for missing out on all these foreign ones.